When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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