Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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