the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
