My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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