She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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