We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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