Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry CaptainDickhead hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

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(727): View more from Florida

A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

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(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.

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(850): View more from Florida

i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more

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