Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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