I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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