I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
