You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
