just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
