My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
