woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
