Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
