Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
