If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
