I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
