my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
