When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
