Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
