I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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