ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
