Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
