he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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