I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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