Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
