i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
