Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
