since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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