I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
