I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think I sprained my soul last night
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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