i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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