god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
