the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
