Michael Bay diarrhea
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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