walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
