Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Your cock deserves a montage
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
