speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Operation Purity has been aborted
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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