I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I could make wine with my vomit
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
