Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
