I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
