I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
