what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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