My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize