i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I love you.
Bad choice
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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