I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
