Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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