If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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