so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
