im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
In America we eat man semen.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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