We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
