I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have fence marks all over my body
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
