stop calling my apartment porn island.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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