hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
