I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
