walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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