I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
