If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
