I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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