remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
