I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
